[Haskell-cafe] New slogan for haskell.org

Claus Reinke claus.reinke at talk21.com
Mon Oct 8 19:42:51 EDT 2007

since this doesn't seem to want to go away:-)

1. reverse psychology approach

    if you have reached this page following rumours of a language 
    others told you every serious programmer would have to learn,
    the ministry of programming would like to reassure you that 
    there is no such language. there is no need to panic! please 
    provide us with the names of those referers, so that we may 
    help them to understand the errors of their ways, then proceed 
    to theusual.com for urgent reeducation. 

    if you have been led to believe that the ideas of virtual machines,
    generic programming, etc have not originated in java, that map
    reduce was not invented by google, that pattern-matching does
    not need to be restricted to regular expressions, that parsers,
    interpreters, compilers for (embedded) domain-specific 
    languages might be written by mere programmers without 
    professional assistance, that neither concurrency nor maintenance
    need to lead to a mess, or similarly outrageous insinuations,
    please contact your nearest accredited consultant immediately.
    do not be alarmed! the ministry is here to help you!

    warning! our automated eye glance and attention monitors
    have detected that you have recognised at least one of the 
    trap phrases not representing authorised trademarks of
    wesellyoubuy.com products in the previous paragraphs.
    do not attempt to leave your keyboard! one of our 
    emergency thread supression teams has been dispatched
    to your present location! you have been warned!

2. mantra approach

    there is no need to leave your warm fuzzy ide
    - to reassure yourself, debug some pointer errors
        and refactor some boilerplate code

    you do not need to learn haskell:
    - to restore your faith, buy two copies of "programming 
        for everyone" plus one of "the manager is always right"

    nothing is more effective than standard meta-muddling
    - version 3 of our muddling tools can now generate
        non-executable boilerplate code from random 
        squiggles at a rate of 20 lines per second
        (our integrated productivity metric analyser rates
        that as "promotion material")
    - the generated code is inherently protected against
        analysis, modification, or composition; source
        code compression tools are available as extensions

    you do not need to look into haskell
    - as a penance, buy two compilers, a revision control 
        system and a window manager

    there is no need to be alarmed
    - there will always be jobs for pascal programmers
         (sorry, that should have been cobol; or was that c?
         c++? perl? java? .. anyway, you know you're safe)

3. secret cult approach

    haskell: <archaic, see also: programming language>
        alegedly used by vorlon before they started
        tying knots in real time (cf b4).

        when informed that 99,9% of human programmers
        did not even want to look at the language, the vorlon 
        ambassador replied: "good".

4. reach for the moon approach

    do not ask what haskell can do for you,
    ask what you can do for haskell.

    No instance for (Enum Slogan)
      arising from the arithmetic sequence ` .. '
      at <interactive>:1:0-6
    Possible fix: add an instance declaration for (Enum Slogan)
    In the expression: [ .. ]
    In the definition of `it': it = [ .. ]

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